Lennon's Little Light

                            This is Lennon's Baptism invitation.  

She is such a little ray of sunshine in our lives.  We love her.  We love her presence in our home.  Often times, it's just quiet and comforting to have her around.  She quietly looks for opportunities to serve and help people who need help.  Sometimes, she loudly looks for opportunities to shine and be seen.  Sometimes in this family you have to make a ruckus to be noticed.  She is mastering the little balancing act of seeing and being seen beautifully at the tender age of almost 8.  She is a gift to us.  Always has been.  Alway will be. What an earthly angel I received when i birthed this beautiful little human being. My heart is full of gratitude as i reflect on her birth and life thus far.  

Writing Assignment #1

            
                                                              ***beautiful photo credit http://teckeltales.blogspot.com***

This year, for my birthday Ryan signed me up for a writing class.  It's online and pretty interesting so far.  It's just getting started so we'll see how it goes.  i did my first assignment yesterday.  It was an invigorating little exercise.  We had to pick a color and write as if we were that color.  It had to be 250 words or less.  I'm going to post my assignments here if I liked doing them and found them to be a source of creative pleasure.  Maybe i'll go back and do them again if i am ever feeling stagnant.  Who am i kidding?  when i am feeling stagnant.  

Follow me to earth. I will beckon you out of your mother's cozy womb.  I will show you nourishment at your first drink in this life.  I will teach you to be playful and inquisitive when you watch me slowly spread and drip off of the ends of a table when chubby toddler fingers knock the cup of my whiteness over at meal time.  Laugh and splash and be joyful.  Then learn from me Diligence, as you are taught to clean up the messes we sometimes make.  I will teach you to be strong and distinguished when you see me donning a pointed collar and I will ask you to be reflectively soft when I blow with the flow of a breeze on a clothes line or in the sheer cloth of summer’s linen dress.  I will plead with little chocolate fingers and ketchup faces to snuggle deep into me when I cover mommy’s bed with my soft downy fluff.  They will learn comfort.  She will learn patience and wisdom.  Learn from me Respect.  I will slowly turn from brown to Silvery White on the heads of those who know more than you. Learn from their experience. My whiteness on their crown will be your cue to listen.  I am the color of the Whiteness of Light. Follow me out of this life and I will beckon you into Heaven’s open arms. 

Leibster Leibster Leibster steps 1, 2, and 3.

Well, who says i never win stuff? Probably no one. It's not something that presses too heavily on my mind so i don't think about it often, or ever. hopefully my lack of winning isn't keeping you up at night. anyways, that being said, for me, one win, just one, carries me on a cloud of happiness for quite awhile.  and today my friend Heidi, nominated me for the Leibster Award. Apparently Leibster means favorite in German. I'm honored and flattered and honestly, am grateful that with this nomination comes a list of things to write about. i'm a little rusty. 

without further ado...here are the conditions and rules.

             1.  Post 11 random things about myself.

     2.  Answer the 11 questions my nominator set for me.

     3.  Create 11 questions for my nominees.

     4.  Nominate 11 other bloggers with fewer than 200       followers (no tag-backs).

     5.  Go to each of their blogs to tell them about their nominations.

tap tap tap...this thing on? Okay, let's go.  

Random facts:

1. i found mushrooms growing in my bathroom last week.  long story. (long story short, we probably need a new shower.)

2. i always draw a heart on my thumb nail with my index finger when i'm bored or nervous. 

3. i don't like hearts. i.e. heart inspired art, heart inspired clothing, heart inspired jewelry. 

4. i used to always count stairs when i would go up or down them.  i don't know when i stopped but i did. and i'm glad.

5. i take approximately 14 supplements per day. they keep me going and sometimes make me nauseous. 

6. i yearn for structure and self discipline like nobody's business.  

7. last week, i told a cricket to get out of my kitchen before ryan found him and he lost his life. he didn't listen and the kids found him the very next night. i went upstairs and plugged my ears while crayton did the deed. 

8. sometimes i wonder if i'm crazy. who talks to crickets?

9.  Little kid's long fingernails gross me out. like really gross me out. i carry clippers in my car and diaper bag. i have cut the nails of children i don't know very well.

10. i have a favorite swear word. it never ceases to feel good saying it. i know shouldn't have a favorite swear word. i am working on it. sort of. most of the time. 

11. i have always yearned for a country life. hard work, open air, dirt roads, animal smells, old house, barn, horses, no goats(!), chickens, and a cow. (12. i've always wanted a cow)

Heidi's 11 Questions for me:

1.  When was the last time you brushed your teeth?
  
Today at 3:30. for the record, that was the 2nd time. 

2.  How many days per week do you make your bed?

approximately .5 times.

3.  What does the last text you received say?

"I meant yummmmm"

4.  If you could do anything you wanted for a day, what would that be?

that's a tough one. it depends on the day. i would probably spend the day planning and carrying out a way to do what ever i wanted to for a month. kind of like wishing for more wishes from the genie. 

5.  Are most of your friends real or virtual?

most of my friends are real in every sense of the word. i have wonderfully beautiful people in my life. whether it's a hello in the hallway at church, a wave in the school pickup line, or a heart to heart conversation with a loved one, i value the people that i am surrounded by and count them as dear, real friends. 

6.  With how many adults have you spoken in person today?

one. two if you count my husband telling me goodbye this morning, and hello-goodbye as he got home from work and immediately left again. 

7.  What did you have for lunch (or your last meal) today?

i grilled some hamburgers. cut some carrots and celery sticks. baked some cauliflower wings (recipe at www.skinnytaste.com. and whipped up some homemade greek yogurt bleu cheese dressing(also at www.skinnytaste.com) delicious. 

8.  If you could go to lunch with anyone, with whom would you dine?

i've said it before and i'll say it again. Dolly Parton. all the way. 

9.  Are you hungry yet?  Or craving grown-up conversation?

i'm pretty much always hungry. and i'm not craving grown-up conversation because i'm tired and ready to climb into bed and watch my dvr list until i fall asleep.

10.  If your toenails are painted, what color are they?

usually some shade of red with coral undertones. but right now they are a dark chocolate brown with gold flecks. they've been painted over approximately 3 times. probably time for a pedicure. 

11.  What's your favorite Gavin story?

any post with a gavin video or picture makes me smile. that child is a precious, precious light in this world. i loved the 'church according to gavin' post. made me see the chapel through his eyes;). 

well, friends, my time here is done. i need to tag some people but have officially run right out of energy to look up blogs and tag people. when i do come back and tag you tomorrow, as heidi said,  don't feel like you have to do a big old post like this to accept your Liebster Award.  Just post the picture and know that I love ya!  If you'd like, it would be fun for me to read your random facts and see your answers to my silly questions. If you don't get tagged because my follow through known to be pathetic, especially in, but not limited to, this blogging arena, feel free to leave me a comment with your answers. fun right? 

1.  how many run ins with law have you had?

2.  what's the first question you'll ask God when you see him?

3.  how would your best friend describe you in 10 words or less?

4.  where in the world do you most want to visit? for how long?

5.  pets? no pets? pet peeves? 

6.  dream dinner date: who with? where? what's on the menu? 

7.  dream career (besides motherhood)?

8.  If you could go to lunch with anyone, with whom would you dine?

9.  what are your top 5 favorite books? 

10.  beach or mountains?

11.  if you could pick one car or vehicle to drive as your very own, no kids involved per se, (so it doesn't matter if they fit) what would it be?

Snuggles Pillow Soft and Deep...Baby Major Goes to Sleep.

Dear Major,

It’s the holiday season, which means a few things.  One of those things is that our family is really busy.  You’ve been pretty busy too these days.  

Ever since you were born, i have wondered how your childhood will be different than your brothers and sisters.  You are deprived of naps sometimes because the big kids need rides from here to there.  

You get played with a lot, though.  And nurtured like crazy.  You have lots of mamas and daddy’s.  Everyone in our family thinks you’re hilarious and too cute for words.  You get doted on a lot.  


Around 5:30 p.m., however, most everyone in the family tries our best to ignore you, but it’s hard.  Because you scream a lot from about 5:30-8:00. Nothing makes you happy and you let all of us know that in very loud and angry ways.  And at 8:00 you become so darn cute and funny again that daddy won’t put you to bed.  

Anyways... I sat down to type this to you because this morning we, me and you, dropped the kids off at school and by the time we got home, you were almost asleep in your carseat. When i came in the house, carrying your heavy, sleepy, baby-self, i didn’t want to put you down.  

So i didn’t.  

Normally, i would lay you down in your bed and make sure that you napped at maximum capacity.  

Not today.  

I snuggled you and we read stories.  Llama Llama, Red Pajama.  You love that book.  

You insisted on wearing your green froggy hooded towel the whole time.  You also found the binky that you got in the hospital when you were born.  You wanted to suck on that one instead of your normal bink.   

After the story, you were so still and so calm.  I watched you suck your bink and relax to the point where it almost fell right out.  You saved it though, every time.  Sucking it right back in and letting your eyes fall heavy and relaxed with each save.  

You were snuggled so perfectly to me, like art.  You felt weightless.  

I kissed the bridge of your nose lots of times.  Finding comfort in the fact that my lips still fit in the curve perfectly, indicating to my heart that you are, indeed, still a baby.  When the bridge of your brothers and sisters noses started to straighten and harden, i knew that babyhood was about to come to a close.  But today, yours is curved and your button baby nose is still as kissable as ever.  I’m so glad. 

I love you, my sweet baby.

I’m so glad that the busy didn’t stop me from snuggling you today.  Every single one of these moments are why i am on earth.  I wouldn’t trade one single one of them for anything.  Except for maybe more moments just like today.

Keep tight, sweet boy.

love,

Mommy   

5 minutes of (not so) deep thoughts

1 of 8

I’ve given myself 5 minutes to sit here and write down whatever comes to mind.  Brace yourself.  Sometimes my filter gets really unpredictable when i’m in a hurry...

i’ve started running again.  it feels so great and terrible.  Best of times and worst of times.  I’ve noticed that when i am running and focused on positive thoughts, the pain in my body almost completely disappears.  I’m going to run the ragnar relay race in February.  My leg of the race is a total of 17 miles or something like that.  I look forward to finishing it and feeling really brave and strong.  I almost didn’t commit.  I almost thought of a lot of a million excuses why this isn’t a good idea for me.  Bravery won out though and so the training has begun and the small victories are so sweet.  

i’m up to just over 2 miles which is not very far.  when i start thinking about how far i have to go to be able to accomplish this goal, i get discouraged and terrified but am reminded to focus on progress.  on pace.  i have so much to learn through this exercise of pace.  so for now i celebrate my little successes.  this passed (past? I never know) tuesday night, i ran the 2+ mile stretch and it felt really good.  i was sweating like an NBA all star and breathing like an asthmatic kid who just went from couch potato to hiking the grand canyon with no preparation, but it felt good.  i didn’t want to die at all.  and not wanting to die is such a great feeling.  

Also going on... i’ve been packing up to go to Big Bear California for fall break.  Usually, for me the packing and prep wouldn’t start until tomorrow, the day before we leave.  I’m a really accomplished procrastinator so i thought i would challenge myself and try something new.  I started packing early this week.  The kids were all packed by tuesday.  Food is almost all purchased.  yesterday I baked a quadruple batch of pumpkin muffins, a double batch of special interest cookies, a double batch of freezer burritos, and dinner for yesterday.  So, i have a bit of food prep to finish up but i am getting the food packed today.  I don’t know if there is global cooling going on in hell or something but we don’t leave for days and i’m almost ready to go.  So, maybe it’s close to the end of days or something because this has never. ever. happened.  Get your generators out folks and hunker down.  

On a (un) hilarious note:  I wonder if true shifts are going on around here. We’ll really be able to tell if Ryan can hold his tongue when we are packing the car. Usually he says things like “babe, why didn’t you do _______ like this (his way)? (like 20 times)(when he has been working like a crazy person and hasn’t been home at all and has been unable to participate in preparing for this trip in any fashion.) (which really is fine and i am so grateful for his hard work, just not his “suggestions” after the packing is done and we are walking out the door.)  Or when he says “We don’t need any creature comforts in the car.  Put your pillows and blankets back!”  Wherein i object and get mad because we then spend at least 1/2 of any car ride listening to really tired kids yearn loudly for a pillows and blankets.  I’ve got it down to being ticked for only 20-60 minutes tops though.  I have also learned that i can’t stay mad while i’m listening to Don Williams so i need to remember to pack my cd.  I also like earplugs on car rides.  Love her or hate her, but i learned that trick from Kate Gosselin.  anyways, Ryan’s lucky that i’m so self aware... (and by self aware i mean that i know i get mad about stupid stuff before we go on trips)

Crue is home from school today.  He has been diagnosed with Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome.  What is that you ask?  I’m not totally sure.  I know it involves cycles of vomiting in the form of a syndrome.  It‘s a wonder i’m not a doctor.  it really is.  I do know that it is usually caused by abdominal migraines.  Which cause pain in the tummy and are different from plain old tummy aches in ways i don’t understand.  More information to follow when i know what i am talking about.  All i need to know today is that Crue is home, his symptoms are very mild this time (hallelujah), and having him here makes me happy.  He still says the best stuff and hardly ever argues.  Just begs for food, which if i am being completely honest, is the one thing i don’t miss while he’s at school all day.  Feeding that kid is exhausting.  

Alright my 5 minutes are up.  Over and out.    

Is It Beautiful?

I’ve been cleaning out little spaces in my home.  Big spaces too.  

Toss? donate? keep?  Is it beautiful?  Is it purposeful?  

Similarly, and as cleaning out usually goes, I’ve been laboring to clean out the quiet recesses of my mind and the darkest- even newly discovered- chasms of my soul . It’s been a process and it’s been a lot of work. 

Toss? donate? keep?  Is it beautiful?  Is it purposeful? 

In my home, I have made decisions to toss a lot of stuff, and to donate a lot of stuff.  For this round of re-purposing my home anyway, I have kept what is serving me and my family right now and the rest is going away.  It feels really good.  I’m sure that any minimalist would come into my home and tell me that i still have a house full of too much stuff.  I would be okay with that assessment because frankly, there’s still a lot of stuff.  But to me, for now,  it is keep-worthy.  It has been declared purposeful and beautiful.  Blessed, if you will.  

While cleaning out my home has been challenging and laborious, I wish that the purging, [the refining and the purifying] of my soul, of myself were half as easy.  I’ve had to question my belief systems, my relationships, my foundations, my choices, my mistakes, my triumphs.  

Toss?  donate?  keep?  Is it purposeful? Is it beautiful?  

The answers to many of the questions that i have had the opportunity to answer about my soul self have been surprising at best, devastating at worst.  This purging and discovery of stuff has been a strenuous journey and i hope it will end with a rebirth of Me.  One who is better, less laden with unnecessary ideals and expectations, one who harbors less anger. One who tries harder in relationships and is capable of setting my ego aside to let my Spirit do the work She was sent to do.  People around me are going to be different than i hoped.  I am going to be different than i hoped.  If the angels came in to my spirit house, and they have, they would probably declare that i still have far too much stuff.  And they would be right.  So very right.  They would be patient though, and let me continue to take my time sorting out the files of grief and pain, touching every single piece of stray documentation that has been misplaced or given center stage on my face and feelings for far too long. They would encourage me to work harder, let go sooner, or maybe to hold on a little longer and then they would encourage me to discern which of those paths is appropriate.  

In regards to my belief systems, my relationships, my foundations, my choices, my mistakes and my triumphs...  I will just keep asking the questions, adding one more. Toss?  Donate?  Keep?  Mend?  Some of the stuff is worth mending even if there are scars and it isn’t possible to restore it to it’s original state of beauty.  Some of the stuff won’t be mend-worthy and that’s okay too.  it won’t detract from the beauty and purpose that it once served. 

My House is finally coming together and, as it goes with cleaning out, by the time i am done with the last closet and drawer, it will be time to start all over again.  The cycles of my life that allow me to gather experiences and the stuff that comes with them are some of my greatest teachers.  Even if i decide to toss or donate, it doesn’t take away the gratitude that i feel or the experiences and memories that i will cherish from having held it in my hands and heart.  

My life is mine.  It’s all i truly have that is wholly and completely my own.  And so it seems very fitting to walk through my life asking myself two simple questions as my guide: Is it Beautiful?  Is it Purposeful?  If the answer is yes, then i will press on.  If the answer is no, then i’ve got four more questions waiting on the wings.  

Toss?  Donate?  Keep?  Mend?  

oh my goodness, oh my goodness

I just got a new computer! It didn't even take me 37 minutes to pull up the blogger page! It feels like  Christmas!  A lot has changed since i was here last.  I mean with blogger.  Not necessarily with me.  But kind of.  I feel different.  How about I work those thoughts out in private before i bore the masses (my future posterity) and embarrass my village?  You're welcome.  Oh, i miss this tap tap tap and little path my fingers and heart and head lead me down in this little tiny corner of my world.  I'm signed up to take some classes to figure out how to work this thing.  It's guaranteed to improve my follow-through and stick-to-it-iveness (blogger is acting like i made that word up.  Pretty sure blogger is wrong. I feel so confident on this new machine!).  I'll be a new woman before year's end. 

Well, Ryan is at church with all of the kids except Major.  As he left i hollered  "I am right behind you babe!"... except i haven't even showered or anything of the sort.  So, in summation, i'm a liar and Ryan is at church.  Just had to see if i still felt okay here.  I do.