3.10.2010

Depleted. Deflated. Defeated. and Mad.

So, it seems that I am mad today. Not at anyone. Just at the way things go sometimes. Well, maybe a little at someone too. But I went into a situation with an expectation. “Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed”. My fault, not the fault of the insensitive individual of whom I speak. But, really, when will I learn?
(no, it’s not Ryan)

I started getting a cold the other day. My throat hurt, my head hurt a little and now today my whole body aches and I am sweaty and freezing cold. I can’t breathe. I’m Mad.

It’s the 4th cold I have tried to fight off in a about a month or so. Usually I get on top of it with the very first symptom and kick it before it really even hits. This one came out of nowhere and I didn’t catch it in time. Mad.

I got a call from the Dr.’s office today. I was awaiting lab results. I went in to the Dr. very hopeful that I could find out why I am so tired all the time. I guess not just find out why, but find out what to do about it when I found out the why. I got a call from some girl there who told me that I likely have Valley Fever and should get re-tested. I also have Mono, and high cholesterol. It was followed by a cheery “but the rest of your tests came back normal. Bye.” So, I did find out the ‘why’, but it seems that I am on my own for the ‘what to do about it’. And now I’m mad.

Maybe if this news came on a day that I was feeling like my normal version of crappy I would be handling it better but it came today when I feel sick and so it feels like a lot. I’m mad that the things that I have to do to feel better take a lot of energy. Change my diet completely, exercise, even though I feel really tired when I exercise, educate myself and go through the trial and error with supplements, oils, herbs, and homeopathies until I feel good. That feels, to me, like it’s going to take a lot of energy. Ironically, it’s energy that I am lacking. And I have to give a lot of energy to hopefully get some back. Mad.

So much of me tries to shake the tired off. But I can’t anymore. I can’t ever tell if I am just a wimp or if there is something wrong with me. I feel like there is a constant struggle with the natural man and me. The battle in my head says ‘I am being lazy. There isn’t a legitimate reason to feel tired. Maybe if I pray it away, or work harder, or be better...’. Now, I have a legitimate reason for feeling like I feel and I’m mad that I still doubt it and I still feel like I should be able to do more than I do. Than I can.

I know that I have four kids and being a mom can make one tired. I’ve heard that so many times. “Of course you’re tired. You have a million kids.” But my kids usually energize me. They are full of life and they make me laugh. They make me smile. They make me shake my head in awe with how creatively they just made all the messes they just made. So while it can be tiring to be on top of their needs, and meals, and messes, they really are more energizing than draining. That kind of tired [the million kids tired] I can handle [at least until bed time]. This tired is deep. Like to my core. I’m [so, so very] tired of being tired. And Mad.

I guess instead of wasting anymore energy being mad, I need to move on to step one. What is step one? I suppose getting on my knees will lend some insight to that question. It usually does. This time my questions to Him will be different. My requests will be different. So maybe my Help will be different. We'll see...


p.s. upon near-completion of this post an appointed officer of the court just served ryan with ANOTHER traffic (camera) violation. I HATE PHOTO ENFORCEMENT. [almost as much as i hate mono.]

20 comments:

greta said...

i understand your tired to the core. i've been feeling like that for a couple years now. i keep wondering if i'm going crazy because none of the doctors can find anything wrong with me. it's frustrating when your body is trying to tell you something but you can't figure out what it is. being on ones knees is the ultimate answer i think. good luck with your answers. i hope you start to feel better soon.

janaya said...

i had mono when i was at BYU and i thought i was going to die i was so tired. i slept ALL THE TIME. i slept in class, between classes, when i got home from class. it was terrible. i was tired it hurt. like that kind of hurt when it's 1 AM and you're so tired you can hardly pick yourself up off the couch and move to your bed. the worst. i honestly don't remember how i got rid of it. lots of sleep (like a real couple of sick days -- which is tough to do when you have four kids, but whatever you can do...) and i think i took some homeopathic stuff. doctors were pointless. completely. which just made the whole situation that much worse.

anyway, i'm so sorry. mono = sucky. maybe it's time to hand the kids to ryan and head to a hotel. :)

get better soon!

janaya said...

err... for the record, i mean head to a hotel for a night. not like forever. :) don't want to be THAT friend...

runningfan said...

I'm so sorry you're sick! You're doing the right things. Good luck!

Natalie said...

thank you guys! sherrie, i'm sorry that you don't feel good. if (or when) i find something that works i'll pass it on to you. If you find it first, send your cure my way:)

janaya, i love your idea more than you know:) and your 'that friend' comment made me laugh. somewhere in between forever and one night sounds great!

heidi, your reassuring words are just perfect:). did your house sell? are you still moving back to sunny az?

amyraye said...

oh, natalie-i'm so sorry. i've never had mono myself, but i had some roommates at byu that had it. and they had to drop out for the semester. maybe you could drop out of your life for a semester or two? could ryan take over?
you know mono is the "kissing disease" so i hope ryan isn't right behind you.

hang in there. and try to let as much in your life go so you can rest as much as crue will let you.

kara jayne said...

i am so so sorry natalie. feeling crappy is...well...crappy.

i've recently had a couple of health problems that i just keep denying. kinda like "if i pretend i don't have it then i don't."

your taking the right approach and it's okay to be mad sometimes. your adorable and you'll get through this.

Kendra said...

Oh Natalie, I'm so sorry. I love the way you described the anger and the conflict and guilt you feel. That is how I have felt for the last two years. I still don't know what's wrong with me. Incedentally, when I saw my old doctor here he put me on super high doses of Vitamin D (50,000mg a day for a week, then 50,000mg once a week there after), and also monthly vitamin B shots. It really helped my energy level.

I hope you start to feel better soon! Do you have a follow-up appointment to discuss treatments?

I love you! I wish I was there so I could take Crue while your kids are at school and you could rest. How about a trip to Utah? It's peaceful here :)

ali said...

Natalie, Natalie, I'm so very sorry :(

I have no words of wisdom, but I love you dearly, does that help?

jessica said...

I am MAD for you! My sister has been dealing with similar symptoms. She has been taking Vitamin D too and it seems to help some. I will have to tell her to look into mono.

I wish I were there. I know prayer is the best thing and that the guidance will come. I will pray for you my poor mono inflicted friend.

xoxo

Kristen said...

call me. I promise not to make you mad.

loveyou

Lindsey said...

I am so sorry! Wow! That sounds horrible! I hope you get better soon! I have been wondering what you have been up to, and now, I know. Is that just in time for spring break? Lovely. :)

Lindsey said...

I am so sorry! Wow! That sounds horrible! I hope you get better soon! I have been wondering what you have been up to, and now, I know. Is that just in time for spring break? Lovely. :)

Christy said...

I'm SO sorry Natty-pants!

I hope the chocolate and cheese eased your tired soul...

Although I'm pretty sure they just made you even more tired and your body more uncooperative.

"Christy Hiniker: Part of the problem since 2008."

Love you to pieces!xoxo

Oma (Robyn Stoneman) said...

My dearest daughter... Feeling DEFEATED is often temporary, but Giving Up is what makes it permanent… I know you will overcome this "temporary" physical defeat. Spend time resting (without guilt). The rest of the healing will take place as you feel stronger and listen to answers you receive about the needs of your body. I'm here to help. I Love you.

Mandi said...

Ugh! What a bust! I hope you find a magic cure so you can feel better and have energy! If you need a break, call me and I can come take some kids off your hands for awhile. Really, feel free to call. Feel better!

ABlack said...

I wish your discovery of mono didn't come at the same time I had a baby. =) You know I would do anything for you to help! I love the idea of you going to a Hotel to sleep for a few days, you should do that.

brandi said...

you will receive answers. you will feel more energy. maybe all who read your blog could envision this, and feel the happiness it brings:) i know it's hard when you feel like your body isn't cooperating with you. do rest, come here i will take care of you:)daysen and i think that's just what you need!

kristin said...

preggo??? my immune system was at it's absolute worst at the beginning of this one...and yes i am...

but i will say a little prayer just for you friend.

Emz said...

19 comments - seriously. You are my idol. okay you must email me [like outside of the blogging world]. ummmm - please? queen_of_jean@hotmail.com:)