So, it seems that I am mad today. Not at anyone. Just at the way things go sometimes. Well, maybe a little at someone too. But I went into a situation with an expectation. “Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed”. My fault, not the fault of the insensitive individual of whom I speak. But, really, when will I learn?
(no, it’s not Ryan)
I started getting a cold the other day. My throat hurt, my head hurt a little and now today my whole body aches and I am sweaty and freezing cold. I can’t breathe. I’m Mad.
It’s the 4th cold I have tried to fight off in a about a month or so. Usually I get on top of it with the very first symptom and kick it before it really even hits. This one came out of nowhere and I didn’t catch it in time. Mad.
I got a call from the Dr.’s office today. I was awaiting lab results. I went in to the Dr. very hopeful that I could find out why I am so tired all the time. I guess not just find out why, but find out what to do about it when I found out the why. I got a call from some girl there who told me that I likely have Valley Fever and should get re-tested. I also have Mono, and high cholesterol. It was followed by a cheery “but the rest of your tests came back normal. Bye.” So, I did find out the ‘why’, but it seems that I am on my own for the ‘what to do about it’. And now I’m mad.
Maybe if this news came on a day that I was feeling like my normal version of crappy I would be handling it better but it came today when I feel sick and so it feels like a lot. I’m mad that the things that I have to do to feel better take a lot of energy. Change my diet completely, exercise, even though I feel really tired when I exercise, educate myself and go through the trial and error with supplements, oils, herbs, and homeopathies until I feel good. That feels, to me, like it’s going to take a lot of energy. Ironically, it’s energy that I am lacking. And I have to give a lot of energy to hopefully get some back. Mad.
So much of me tries to shake the tired off. But I can’t anymore. I can’t ever tell if I am just a wimp or if there is something wrong with me. I feel like there is a constant struggle with the natural man and me. The battle in my head says ‘I am being lazy. There isn’t a legitimate reason to feel tired. Maybe if I pray it away, or work harder, or be better...’. Now, I have a legitimate reason for feeling like I feel and I’m mad that I still doubt it and I still feel like I should be able to do more than I do. Than I can.
I know that I have four kids and being a mom can make one tired. I’ve heard that so many times. “Of course you’re tired. You have a million kids.” But my kids usually energize me. They are full of life and they make me laugh. They make me smile. They make me shake my head in awe with how creatively they just made all the messes they just made. So while it can be tiring to be on top of their needs, and meals, and messes, they really are more energizing than draining. That kind of tired [the million kids tired] I can handle [at least until bed time]. This tired is deep. Like to my core. I’m [so, so very] tired of being tired. And Mad.
I guess instead of wasting anymore energy being mad, I need to move on to step one. What is step one? I suppose getting on my knees will lend some insight to that question. It usually does. This time my questions to Him will be different. My requests will be different. So maybe my Help will be different. We'll see...
p.s. upon near-completion of this post an appointed officer of the court just served ryan with ANOTHER traffic (camera) violation. I HATE PHOTO ENFORCEMENT. [almost as much as i hate mono.]