Natalie Kidd With Thoughts On:

Self realization:
Thursday is my ugliest day of the week. I mean the day where i look worse than any other day of the week. I only noticed because i always run into people on thursdays and look like i am haggard and worn. which is strange because it is the day where i get up and shower and get dressed because i know that i need to be on my a-game because it is my most demanding day of the week. But my reflection when I pass by a mirror on Thursdays is always shocking. In a not good way.

Life Lessons:
Crue said today while we were eating lunch (think 3 year old from Brooklyn/Boston while reading) "Mama, sometimes peep-oh (people) fight. all dey need to do is say 'i'm so-wee. ' o-uh (or), 'i won't do it again.' o-uh, 'I didn't mean to. o-wuh (are) you okay?' 'o-uh 'wi-oo (will) you fu-give (forgive) me?' and den (then) it will be all okay and ev-wee (every) one wi-oo (will) be happy."
Seems so simplified but honestly, it usually conflict resolution would be so easy if we were all so humble to say 'i'm sorry', i won't do it again' and 'will you forgive me?'

On Parenting:
It can be hard to parent kids who are, say, 10. They need discipline. You need to make them feel the effects but then you hate that they feel the effects. You wonder if your techniques are too harsh, too lenient, to reactive, not severe enough, because some of the behaviors are far from changing. You don't want to be critical of everything or anything but it's so easy to be critical. And sometimes necessary. Unless it isn't, then you are just screwing everything up. They are testing you and themselves. They are deciding what they value and it usually isn't what you say. In fact, your opinion should be left out of much of your conversations with them because the opposite of your opinion will then be what they value. I miss my big kids being 2-5. It was a different challenge but I had so much more mother's intuition during those ages. Just another phase of growing for all of us. but it's hard. and i love this 10 year old so much it hurts. I just want this 10 year old to be happy and balanced and productive. Is that asking too much?

On Pregnancy physically:
As Crue would say, 'Oh my gosh! Yo-uh (your) tummy is getting fatt-uh and fatt-uh and fatt-uh!" He's right. It's supposed to be that way but sometimes i feel like such a freak. The constant analyzing of my changing body makes me self conscious. "You're so big!" "You're so little!" "You carry so high!" "You must be due any minute!" "You are going to pop!" I feel like if i could just hunker down in my house and hide and paint and clean and eat miniature candy bars all day long i would be the happiest pregnant woman on earth. But alas, i venture out of this haven at least once a week to subject myself to the observations of others. I have big babies, people. I'm not due until Feb. It's (my body) not going to get any less huge. In fact, i am going to get huger by the day from this point forward. It's all part of my way. My big, pregnant way. As for Mr. Cinco, he is a delight. He wiggles and squirms gently. He wiggles the most in the morning and night time. He likes it when the kids talk to him. He likes sugar. I'm going to have to start weening him off of that soon...

On pregnancy emotionally:
I still feel so peaceful. The realities of pregnancy, holidays, life with 5 kids and our already crazy schedules is starting to sink in. But I still just feel peace about this little one coming to join us. The only time I haven't felt peaceful from the moment i found out i was pregnant was when I was at my grandma's funeral, alone, with all of the kids, trying to be aware of their grief, physical needs, emotional needs, and no husband. It was a little scary, overwhelming because of the mirror it was to my life sometimes (a lot of times) and really exhausting. It got even scarier when we went to Chuck-a-Rama after the funeral. Try keeping yourself sane and peaceful at a giant buffet. It isn't humanly possible. I promise. I don't care who you are. I distinctly remember standing in the middle of the buffet, in a crowd, with 2 missing children and 2 more eating jell-o and soft serve ice cream while washing it down with their 'suicide soda' and thinking "what in the world (or insert swear word) am i doing having another child?" I have to say, though, one moment of 'what am i doing?' in 6+ months isn't too bad. And it happened in a buffet. Nuff said. I can't wait to meet my baby. I hope to not go to Chuck-a-Rama ever again.

On emotional eating:
I have had a lot feelings lately. I have, unfortunately, been eating them. The other day i had a carrot feeling, but the rest have pretty much been snickers feelings, milky way feelings, and twix feelings. Oh, i had a plum feeling too, and a steamed broccoli feeling. But the rest of them have been chocolate. Lots of feelings, lots of eating chocolate. Lots of reasons to feel like i'd rather not have people comment on my growing body. Halloween is of the devil. The devil of weight gain and emotional eating/ sugar addiction.

On bed time:
It's getting earlier and earlier these days. For me, not the kids. And here it is almost 10:00 and i am deliriously sleepy. I hope i don't read this tomorrow and regret the things i have laid out on this blogging table for the world to see. This post might be deleted tomorrow.

P.S. one more item:
Technology. Me and technology seem to be in discord with one another lately. My email has been dumb and not working. If you have sent me an email and i didn't reply in the past months it's because i couldn't. Then my whole computer started being as dumb as my email so we just got it back from the shop (a saintly friend with mad skills) and am figuring out how to re-use everything. The computer and email are both working beautifully now. Yay!! But yesterday, my cell phone broke. Please don't text me. I can't read my messages, just hear when they come in. I can barely dial. And sometimes i can receive phone calls. I should do a post on my love for At&t. I can't wait for verizon to come out with their I-phone. It will be such a happy day for me and the people whose calls i continue to drop.

Good night. I'm out.