Things i just realized because of a bath, tea and hurdles

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I just drank a cup of third trimester tea and it was delicious. I drank it in the tub while I read a book of essays about motherhood. It made me feel uplifted, inadequate, inspired, recommitted, tired and wondering what beautiful, inspiring things I could someday write about in a book of essays on motherhood. First I need to learn how to write properly, mother properly and care more about learning how to write and mother properly than I do about taking a hot bath, reading a good book and drinking good tea. I’ve got a ways to go.

We took Christmas down today. I wasn’t ready. This year, I wonder if I would have ever felt ready. I love the glow of Christmas lights in my house, little village houses on fake snow, the smells (this year white fir essential oil was my favorite fragrance), the tree lighting up and magically warming the whole downstairs, the banister dolled up in lights and evergreens, and the nativities around the house reminding us about His ever so sacred birth. I always consider leaving my favorite nativity up all year long and decide against it because it might take away from its special-ness.



Maybe I wasn’t ready to take Christmas down today because Christmas represented the hurdle I needed to jump before I started preparing to jump the get-ready-for-baby hurdle. Cleaning up Christmas means I’ve just jumped the last hurdle of the race. When I was in high school I ran track. I did hurdles and the longer the race was, and the more hurdles I jumped, the taller the last few hurdles looked and felt. Sometimes I fell. Maybe I fell once in front of the pole vault area where the pole vault team were filming themselves and maybe the whole pole vault team watched a video of my fall over and over and over the next day until they all laughed themselves hysterical. Even the coach. Maybe. But that’s neither here nor there. The hurdles I am about jump include, but are not limited to; cleaning like crazy, organizing, maintaining normalcy and consistency with the other kids and homework and projects and activities, dr. appointments way too often from here on out (which means a lot of driving, which means a lot of wasting time), and of course, preparing mentally for naturally birthing what might be my last baby. I so want it to be perfect for he and I.

Usually when I am pregnant I feel, at this stage, like I’d like to start doing anything I can to speed the process of getting the child out of me and here so that I can finally be done being pregnant and get to the good stuff of having my baby to love. I don’t feel that yet and I wonder if I will. It gives me cause for concern that I don’t feel that yet. Maybe not concern but it definitely raises some questions in my mind. Am I excited? Am I sad? Am I connected enough with my baby? Am I selfish? Am I ready? I haven't really stopped to think about the answers...

Am I excited? Yes, I am excited. It’s not in the traditional sense of the word. I don’t feel giddy. I know that it’s a lot of work and probably not very much sleep that I have ahead of me. But am I excited? Oh my goodness, I can’t wait to hold my baby and see his eyes and decide who he looks like and hear his sounds and smell his soft skin, and touch his newness with my own fingertips. I can’t wait to watch him take in the world. It almost makes me cry just thinking about how much I am looking forward to meeting his body. I’ve met his spirit. I love him and yes, I am excited.

Am I sad? Maybe a little bit. I think he’s our last baby. Nothing is set in stone and I certainly won’t make that decision without making it a matter of specific prayer and fasting. But in my mind he’s my last pregnancy. My last new baby. My last one to swaddle and nurse. My last one to watch stare at his daddy’s face as they become acquainted. That is always beautiful to me. Ryan is a beautiful dad and I love to watch him with our babies. He’s a tender soul and such a good, gentle, loving dad. Thinking about him meeting our baby almost makes me cry. (Who am I kidding? Both times I said it almost makes me cry, I’ve cried.)

Am I connected enough with my baby? This baby has been trying to penetrate our hearts for a long time. I know he is ready to come to us. I, several times, felt him come to me when our home was in the middle of chaos. Kids crying, and fighting, dinner burning on the stove, the phone ringing, Ryan working late, and me feeling totally inadequate to handle it all. It was almost always during the chaos that he would come. He came then, during the crazies, and I heard him loud and clear above the chaos say ‘I know what I am coming to. It’s okay. Just let me come.’ There were times where his Voice stopped me in my tracks and the chaos around me seemed to freeze. A few times, I even laughed out loud and said “Now? You’re asking me now?” Then late at night, I would tell Ryan that it happened again and sometimes I would cry because I wished I had more faith than fear and could just let him come. Ever since I found out he was coming I have felt peace. I think it is his gift to me. I know he’s still okay with, and even looking forward to coming to us. Am I connected enough with my baby? Not always, but I know he understands why and he understands me and I know he knows that I will be connected the very Moment he arrives.

Am I selfish? Um, the short answer is yes. The long answer is yes, very much so. I like to sleep in the middle of the night. I like to have my own time while the kids are at school to catch up on life and home and thoughts. I like grocery shopping alone. I like having my breasts be my own. I’m sad that I can’t carpool anymore because I am out of seats in my van. That means I need to be at the school every single morning AND every single afternoon. I like carpooling. I really want to go on a trip before he comes. Once he comes, I am his survival for at least a year. He’s my permanent sidekick. No kid-less overnight trips. I like kid-less trips. They’re really fun. And did I mention I like to sleep at night? I like to go to church and participate in listening and learning. Babyhood usually puts a kibosh on that for about 19 months. So, am I selfish? Yep. Will the selfish thoughts and tendencies go away? They usually do the moment my breasts stop being my own and I submit to the beauty that is having a permanent sidekick. I know the trips will resume soon enough, carpool will work itself out, I’ll have forever to grocery shop alone and sleep is overrated. I’ll miss my baby at church when he goes to his class and I’ll wonder how I could have ever been so selfish because I love him so much and wish he could always stay my baby. It's been that way with every single one.

Am I ready? In the physical sense, no. I need to sort clothes, gather baby gear, put a crib together, get my House in order, and prepare for childbirth. It feels a lot like taking down Christmas this year. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel ready this time. I like basking in the glow of what’s to come. I like the anticipation of wondering when he and my body will come together and make me know it’s time to meet my baby. I like how things are now. Peaceful. Paced. Focused. Purposeful. Hopeful. Am I ready? In some ways, not at all. In the ways that matter, very much so.

I am grateful still for continued health and strength. I’ve had the energy I need to carry on being the mom I need to be. I have been healthy enough to think about Christmas and try to do little things to make it a special season for my kids. I came up short, of course, it’s the nature of the job, but I felt good enough to try really hard and in lots of ways my efforts paid off. For that I am so grateful. Christmas this year was good. Really good. Life, in spite of challenges and slip-ups, hurts and confusions, trials and errors, is really beautiful right now. I couldn’t be more grateful. Honestly, when i got in the tub earlier, I was frustrated with Ryan because he doesn't like animals and we just got one and I wish he could be nicer about our newest family member (another post, another day), frustrated with one of my children, in need of a little escape (remember i'm a little selfish), and generally just feeling like a bit of a grump. I'm glad that I got this escape. I guess that tea, hot water and this time to reflect were just what I needed to re-boost. Ryan just made his last batch of his homemade chex mix until next Christmas. It’s one of his specialties and it smells delicious. I am going to go downstairs and get me some of that special mix, tell him i love him, and maybe get another cup of tea. It’s turned out to be a good night.