9.26.2012

Is It Beautiful?



mended leaf

I’ve been cleaning out little spaces in my home.  Big spaces too.  

Toss? donate? keep?  Is it beautiful?  Is it purposeful?  

Similarly, and as cleaning out usually goes, I’ve been laboring to clean out the quiet recesses of my mind and the darkest- even newly discovered- chasms of my soul . It’s been a process and it’s been a lot of work. 

Toss? donate? keep?  Is it beautiful?  Is it purposeful? 

In my home, I have made decisions to toss a lot of stuff, and to donate a lot of stuff.  For this round of re-purposing my home anyway, I have kept what is serving me and my family right now and the rest is going away.  It feels really good.  I’m sure that any minimalist would come into my home and tell me that i still have a house full of too much stuff.  I would be okay with that assessment because frankly, there’s still a lot of stuff.  But to me, for now,  it is keep-worthy.  It has been declared purposeful and beautiful.  Blessed, if you will.  

While cleaning out my home has been challenging and laborious, I wish that the purging, [the refining and the purifying] of my soul, of myself were half as easy.  I’ve had to question my belief systems, my relationships, my foundations, my choices, my mistakes, my triumphs.  

Toss?  donate?  keep?  Is it purposeful? Is it beautiful?  

The answers to many of the questions that i have had the opportunity to answer about my soul self have been surprising at best, devastating at worst.  This purging and discovery of stuff has been a strenuous journey and i hope it will end with a rebirth of Me.  One who is better, less laden with unnecessary ideals and expectations, one who harbors less anger. One who tries harder in relationships and is capable of setting my ego aside to let my Spirit do the work She was sent to do.  People around me are going to be different than i hoped.  I am going to be different than i hoped.  If the angels came in to my spirit house, and they have, they would probably declare that i still have far too much stuff.  And they would be right.  So very right.  They would be patient though, and let me continue to take my time sorting out the files of grief and pain, touching every single piece of stray documentation that has been misplaced or given center stage on my face and feelings for far too long. They would encourage me to work harder, let go sooner, or maybe to hold on a little longer and then they would encourage me to discern which of those paths is appropriate.  

In regards to my belief systems, my relationships, my foundations, my choices, my mistakes and my triumphs...  I will just keep asking the questions, adding one more. Toss?  Donate?  Keep?  Mend?  Some of the stuff is worth mending even if there are scars and it isn’t possible to restore it to it’s original state of beauty.  Some of the stuff won’t be mend-worthy and that’s okay too.  it won’t detract from the beauty and purpose that it once served. 

My House is finally coming together and, as it goes with cleaning out, by the time i am done with the last closet and drawer, it will be time to start all over again.  The cycles of my life that allow me to gather experiences and the stuff that comes with them are some of my greatest teachers.  Even if i decide to toss or donate, it doesn’t take away the gratitude that i feel or the experiences and memories that i will cherish from having held it in my hands and heart.  

My life is mine.  It’s all i truly have that is wholly and completely my own.  And so it seems very fitting to walk through my life asking myself two simple questions as my guide: Is it Beautiful?  Is it Purposeful?  If the answer is yes, then i will press on.  If the answer is no, then i’ve got four more questions waiting on the wings.  

Toss?  Donate?  Keep?  Mend?  

9 comments:

Emily said...

Beautiful. Thank you and good luck in the sorting out! I think I will join you.

ABlack said...

Oh, I think I've needed you to write this for a while =) Thank you for saying it how I couldn't, one of the many reasons I love you. I just hope that I am in your 'keep' pile when the sorting is done. =) Haha, just kidding, where else would I be!

Laura Kidd said...

As always, I love to read about how your mind and soul work. And as always I love what I see.

Kristen said...

well said my dear.

Franki said...

Thank you! Your words stirred up my soul in ways that I hadn't yet put into words...but have been longing to.........

heather said...

miss you. come visit me in italy.

jessica said...

Oh this is EXACTLY what I have been doing the past six months! You wrote EVERYTHING that I have thought and been experiencing. Moving across country with only what you can fit in your car kind of forces the purging but I didn't realize I was doing that with my soul as well...at least not at first. So freeing but there are some very hard decisions and feelings that have to be addressed. It's not easy and takes a lot of courage. I'm still working on some of those scarred relationships and my courage and strength is failing me right now...

I love you Nat! You are Beautiful.

abby said...

So exciting to have a Natalie post to read. Would you like to be my life coach or something? You always inpsire me.

Christy said...

This was perfect. You nailed it my friend. I can feel the weight lifting from you daily. Sometimes our trials are big and obvious- sometimes more subtle and unseen by others- but one is not more painful or more important than the other. Both bring forth necessary growth and change. Your words and insights inspire and encourage so many of us. I'm thrilled to be able to read your spiritual stirings. They truly are beautiful....purposeful....as are you!