summertime and the livin is easy...and hard.

Today is the last day of school.  maybe thats why i’m a mess.  i usually hover somewhere between “i can’t wait for school to be over so that i can have my kids all to myself” and “oh crap. i get my kids all to myself all summer. i just need one more week of school so that i can get my life pulled together really quick.”

of course, they get out of school whether i’m ready or not and summer is always great and i never want them to go back to school when it’s time.  I think that life is kind of like that.  for me at least.  it’s a whole bunch of moments of feeling unprepared and looking back and realizing that i was a.) more prepared than i realized or b.) more unprepared than i thought and things worked out anyway. 

sometimes when i pass through the den in my home and stop for a moment to look at the photo snap shots that float across the screen of my computer, i see the twinkles and excitement and the happiness and contentment in the eyes of my kids.  Of course, it would be really nice to be more prepared; for vacations, for dinner, for heartaches, for decisions, for growth, for failures, for laundry, for fun, for them.  i’m sure that mostly only good things could come of it- my preparedness.  but the fact of the matter is this:  i’m doing the best i can.  in the moment, i’m usually too busy being hard on myself to see that.  or to accept that.  in fact, before i sat down to write for a minute, i was looking at the pictures on the screen, with my arms full of weeks of dirty clothes, thinking to myself, “i really wish i took more pictures. i really wish i knew how to take good pictures.  look at those moments. i’m so glad i have those moments to look back at.  what about all of the ones i’ve missed?  and why don’t i do laundry more often?”

i don’t know if it’s just me, and if i’m just a jumble of imbalances (feel free to not answer that question) but my journey of motherhood is such a constant juxtapostiton of happy and sad and better and worse and up and down and frustration and joy.  it’s all going on at the exact same time- side by side.  which is an intense amount of feelings for one little, old me to carry.  

So maybe i’m a mess because today’s the last day of school.  or maybe i’m not a mess at all.  but a mama, whose heart is so full of a desire to be better that she forgets that in lots of ways, she already is.  

i guess the long and short of it is that summer has arrived.  and i think what i’m trying to say is bring it on.  because i couldn’t feel more (un)prepared.


Stephanie said...

You nailed it. That is exactly how I have been feeling, even the "I should do laundry more often" part. It is so easy to be hard on ourselves even when our kids are growing into amazing people. We must be doing something right. I think you are a fabulous momma! I do think Love makes up for all of our mistakes. Thank heaven for LOVE!

Laura Kidd said...

I love and hate how us mom's agonize over what we do, how we do it, and if we have done it enough. Husbands don't seem to do that. I know they realize how they are doing, but they certainly don't beat themselves up like we do. Good thing we have each other. I am ready for summer and ready for our beach vacation.

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